


Fire Flowers

by KaitlynSpeight



Series: Be The Light [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 01:03:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13892964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitlynSpeight/pseuds/KaitlynSpeight
Summary: I uh... meant to post this last year... but then I got blocked and just... never finished it. heh.





	Fire Flowers

After the proposal things finally start to look up. Gabriel seemed to have finally accepted the fact that Sam was  _ his  _ and he wasn’t going anywhere, and that’s apparently all it took to give him a whole new outlook.

 

He was still scared, he still didn’t like being alone, he still cried over his piano when he couldn’t play, and he still hated himself for ruining everything Sam and Jess had, but he was doing  _ better _ .

 

Until, of course, something happened to throw all that progress out the window. 

 

It was nothing, really. He was never in any danger and he knew that, but Sam had moved them to the country, announcing that he thought it would help if there were less people around all the time, and the country meant noises he wasn’t exactly used to. 

 

And one noise he was very,  _ very  _ used to. 

 

“Sam- Sam please-” he knew he shouldn't be bothering Sam at work, he  _ knew  _ he shouldn’t be but…

 

“Baby? Are you okay?” 

 

Sam’s concerned voice was the last reassurance he needed that maybe he  _ could  _ ask for Sam when he needed him and he let himself sob, shaking violently in the corner he’d hidden himself in. “C-c-come h-home p-p-please.”

 

“I’m on my way, stay on the line okay? I’ll be right there, everything’s okay.” Gabriel could hear banging and shuffling on Sam’s end, then the sound of a car engine. “Can you talk to me? What’s going on?”

 

Gabriel whimpered, shaking his head and letting his hair fall in his face. 

 

“It’s okay baby, are you safe?” Sam asked, doing his best to keep his voice calm.

 

Gabriel didn’t answer, and Sam sighed, “it’ll be okay beautiful, I’ll be home in fifteen minutes. You just stay where you are okay? Just focus on breathing,” he couldn’t hear anything on Gabe’s end so he could assume he was just having a panic attack, that at least meant he was safe. 

 

When Sam pulled into their driveway ten minutes later, everything looked in place, and he felt himself relaxing more. “Okay, I’m here, I’m going to come inside alright?”

 

Gabriel grunted in acknowledgement and Sam let himself in, scanning the front room before moving on to look for Gabriel. 

 

He found the man huddled in the corner of his study, phone clutched to his ear and tears spilling in rivers down his cheeks. “Gabe, can you tell me what happened?” He asked again, slowly hanging his phone up and shoving it in his pocket. 

 

Gabriel sniffed, curling into himself as much as he could, “don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me,” he whimpered, voice cracking as he spoke. 

 

“Oh, sweetheart. It’s okay, I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you,” Sam murmured, slowly crossing the room and kneeling in front of him, holding out a hand. It had been a while since he’d had to do this, even longer since Gabriel’s only response was to push himself back harder against the wall. 

 

Sam sighed, making himself comfortable and holding his hand out. “I’m not going anywhere angel, whenever you’re ready.”

 

It took Gabriel another half hour to crawl out of his corner and into Sam’s lap, and another twenty minutes after that to find his voice. 

 

“C-car, a car b-backfired and-” he choked into Sam’s neck, “I-I’m sorry f-for bothering y-you but- but it scared m-me and-”

 

Sam waited until he was sure Gabriel was finished talking before responding, tenderly brushing his sweat soaked hair from his forehead. “You don’t have to apologize, Gabe, I’m gonna be right here no matter what. I’m so proud of you for calling me.”

 

“Bu-but I’ve b-been doing g-good an-and it was a-all a waste,” Gabriel whimpered, hiding his face against Sam’s neck as his tears finally slowed.

 

“I’m going to move you, is that okay?” Sam asked, ignoring his comment entirely, and Gabriel slowly nodded, tightening his grip on Sam’s suit jacket as the moose man lifted them both up and carried them across their home. 

 

“Now, hot chocolate or ice cream?” Sam asked calmly, gently setting Gabriel down on the kitchen counter and stepping away. 

 

“H-hot chocolate?” Gabriel asked, and Sam nodded, pulling different spices down from the cabinet, giving Gabriel a minute to get himself under control. 

 

Once he had everything heating on the stove he filled a glass with water and handed it to Gabriel, who was still hiccuping and sniffing in the same place he’d left him. 

 

“You good?”

 

At Gabriel’s nod he stepped forward again, wrapping his arms around his waist and waiting for him to drink some of the water before speaking. 

 

“Nothing was a waste, Gabe. You went through something extremely traumatic, of course you’re still going to have panic attacks. You probably always will, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Do you remember all the parties and games and shit you stayed home from when we were kids?”

 

Gabriel nodded slowly, and Sam smiled at him before continuing, “then don’t you dare feel bad for getting me out of a stuffy office a few hours early. Gabriel, listen, I know how you feel. Well. No, I don’t at all, but as for the panic attacks? The anxiety and the feeling like you don’t want to bother anyone? I was there. That was me up until I was… what… twenty-four?

 

“You aren’t weak, you're not bothering me, it’s not annoying or pathetic or a waste. I love you. More than anything in this world, and you will  _ always  _ come first to me. I want you to call me, I  _ want  _ you to ask for help when you need it, because there isn’t a single time you weren’t there for me. 

 

“Let me return the favor, alright? You’re getting better. You are. So just relax, okay?” 

 

Gabriel sniffed, resting his head on Sam’s chest and forcing himself to breathe in time with his heart. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, reaching out for Sam’s hand. “I know you… I know all that stuff it’s just… it’s hard.”

 

Sam smiled, squeezing his fingers and kissing his hair. “I know, angel, but you’re getting there. Come on, to bed with you, I’ll be in in a minute with hot chocolate and we can watch movies, how’s that sound?”  

 

“Like you’re way too good to me,” Gabriel murmured, pecking Sam’s lips and sliding off the counter, smiling when Sam’s huge hands were immediately on his hips to steady him, “I love you too, Samshine, more than anything. I know I haven’t really shown that since I got home, but I do.”

 

Sam raised an eyebrow, resting a hand on his shoulder before he could scamper off, “Gabriel, do you really think you haven’t shown me how much you love me?”

 

Gabriel nodded, not daring to look up at him.

 

“Are you kidding? Sweetheart you show me every day, you’ve let me hold you and touch you and make love to you, you’ve drawn me pictures and cooked for me, hell, you  _ proposed  _ to me. 

 

“But more importantly than all that, you trust me. No matter what happens you come to  _ me _ , you let  _ me  _ comfort you. You were just in the middle of a panic attack and you  _ called me _ . I’m the one you thought of, the one you knew could help. What else could you possibly do to show me how much you care about me?”

 

“I- well I-” Gabriel blushed, finally turning to face him, “I guess when y-you put it l-like that…” 

 

Sam snorted, kissing his forehead, “bed, shoo, I’ll be with you in a second.”

 

~!~!~!~

 

After the incident with the car, Gabriel still doesn’t like calling Sam at work. He does when he absolutely has to, but if there’s any chance he can handle it on his own he refuses to bother him.

 

Sam isn’t too happy with Gabriel’s self imposed isolation during the day, but as long as he’s still calling when he really needs it, he supposes he can’t complain too much. 

 

Of course, he didn’t realize how bad the panic attacks could get. After Gabriel had been back nearly a year he figured he’d seen it all... until their neighbor decided to cut down the dead tree in their front yard. 

 

Sam didn’t think anything of the chainsaw starting up, at least, not until he heard Gabriel’s panicked screaming in his study. He was briefly thankful he’d taken the week off - the fourth of July was Wednesday and he didn’t want to leave Gabriel alone to deal with all the fireworks - as he ran through the house. 

 

“Gabe? Baby what happened?”

 

Gabriel didn’t answer, and it took Sam a minute to find where he huddled himself up under his desk, knees drawn to his chest and eyes clenched shut as he rocks back and forth. 

 

“Sweetheart what is it? Talk to me,” Sam begged, sinking to the floor in front of him. 

 

Gabriel didn’t respond, didn’t so much as flinch at Sam’s presence.

 

“Gabriel, come on, just look at me... It’s okay angel, I’m right here... Please Gabe, nothing’s gonna hurt you, angel. Come on...” Sam did his best to keep his voice level, but the longer Gabriel didn’t respond, the more terrified it made him. 

 

He hated leaving Gabriel in his head, he knew all too well what sort of images could be triggered, more so with everything Gabe’d been through. 

 

“Come on angel, just look at me,” he sighed when he still got nothing more than the continuous keening and rocking in response and steeled himself for the worst, grabbing Gabe’s chin and making him meet his gaze.

 

He’d expected the loud scream, but he hadn’t been anticipating the flailing limbs, or the burning pain as Gabriel kicked and punched, landing as many blows as he could in his struggle to get away. 

 

“Gabriel, hey- it’s okay,” Sam grunted, catching his arms and bracing himself against the pain. “Look at me, Gabe! You’re okay!”

 

Slowly, so so slowly, Gabriel stills, blinking up at Sam through his tears. “O-oh my god.. Sam, I’m so- I-” He choked on a sob, scrambling away and pressing himself back against the wall. “I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean- I’m sorry.”

 

Sam shook his head, wiping the blood off of his face before holding out his hand. “It’s okay sweetheart, everything’s fine, come here…”

 

Gabriel trembled, frantically shaking his head. “I hurt you… I h-hurt you, you’re bleeding it’s my fault I-”

 

“That’s enough. Gabriel I know you didn’t mean to, it’s okay, I have a big brother remember? I’ve had much worse… Just breathe, everything is fine, I just need to know what happened…” 

 

Gabriel shook his head again, hugging himself tighter. “I didn’t mean to.. I’m sorry… I didn’t…”

 

Sam closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Gabriel, sweetheart, it’s okay, I’m okay, please talk to me…”

 

Gabriel shook his head, curling in on himself. “I hurt you…”

 

“I’m fine, sweetheart, it’s okay, please…”

 

Gabriel ignored him, and Sam groaned, rolling his shoulders.

 

“Forgive me for this one, okay?” Gabriel’s, likely self scorning, response was cut off when Sam scooped him up from his place and unceremoniously tossed him into the air before catching him, smiling softly when Gabriel started wriggling in his arms.

 

“Now,” Sam hummed, tossing him up again and planting a kiss on his forehead when he caught him. “You seem to forget I not only have an older brother, but also a young son. Gabe junior has given me worse bumps in his sleep, and he’s three. As for Dean… Fuck Dean’s broken more of my bones than he has his own.” He hummed, tossing him up again. “So get out of that silly head of yours and stop worrying about it okay? I’m fine, I know you didn’t mean to, and if you wanna get technical, I knew this was gonna happen the second I grabbed you, so it’s more than my fault.”

 

Gabriel stopped wriggling, nuzzling against Sam’s chest once he finally stopped tossing him around. “I… I’m really sorry…”

 

Sam snorted, kissing him softly. “You can make it up to me later, alright? I gladly accept payment in kisses and pictures, but for now, I need you to tell me what happened, okay..?”

 

Gabriel took a deep breath, closing his eyes, and for a moment he wasn’t safe in Sam’s arms anymore, he was back in the dark, ready to give up. “That’s how they’d get rid of us… They’d… Think it was like… a wood chipper, or, something… We’d hear it, every night… They’d get rid of the girls that wouldn’t… if they couldn’t get pregnant, or if their babies weren’t good enough… If the guys fought too much, or if… if the babies…” He had to stop there, choking on his next breath and frantically scrambling for something to hold onto as his mind sent him reeling back to the night he’d gotten away.

 

Sam didn’t miss a beat, catching his flailing hand and squeezing tight. Gabriel hadn’t told him much about what had happened, even as he had recovered, it was too much for him to talk about, and while Sam had pieced together most of it, there were still a lot of gaps.

 

“They… hated me, I always expected to be next. I think I became a game to them. They wanted to break me, and… and then I think they got bored of playing. I wasn’t worth it to them anymore, it stopped being…  _ fun _ … So they were taking me to the shed… I was so fucked up, I don’t think they knew I could even move anymore… They only had one guy taking me over, so… so that’s how I got away… I wasn’t gonna, but I fell, and the sky, and I thought about how we’d always watch the stars together, and how we’d… and how mad you’d be if I just laid there and took it… so… I think I killed him Sam, I managed to knock him down and I just… stomped… on his face… and I ran…”

 

“I hope he is dead,” Sam hissed, hugging Gabriel tighter. He knew after Gabriel got out the cops had found the ring, or most of it. They were in jail now, the people they had stolen and ruined were finding their own help, reconnecting with their own families. Jess had kept him up to date, since he didn’t dare look into it on his own for fear of Gabriel seeing it and freaking out. “I hope they’re all dead for what they did to you… to all of those people. I’m so sorry Gabe… I’m so so sorry.”

 

Gabriel shrugged slightly, hiding against Sam’s chest and sobbing into his shirt. “Me too…”

  
  


~!~!~!~

 

Sam had vaguely hoped he’d be wrong about the Fourth, that maybe Gabriel would be okay through the fireworks, since he did know they were coming after all, and he used to love them. But of course, PTSD isn’t logical, and no matter how much Gabriel used to adore the sparkling lights, and no matter how much he braced himself for the noise, he was still clinging onto Sam every time an explosion sounded, nails breaking his skin with the force of his terror.

 

Sam, of course, did the best he could to keep him calm, holding him close and murmuring into his hair, and Gabriel managed to stave off a full blown panic attack so long as Sam didn’t leave his side.

 

During a break in the noise, Gabriel manages to tug himself up, much to Sam’s protest, and peek out the window, ignoring Sam begging him to come back to bed and curl up. As scared as he was, he’s surprised what he sees when he looks outside.

 

There’s no dirt lot, no decrepit barn or chainsaw. There’s no broken women, or beaten men, or blood. All he can see is their lawn, the droplets of dew sparkling in the moonlight, their small flower garden glowing along the walkway, the soft shadows of the ash tree along the side of the road. The further he looks, the more normal everything he sees is, the lights of their neighbors sparkling dimly in the distance, the silowets of the city further still, and he only hesitates for a moment before opening the window. 

 

No smoke. No stale blood or dull rot of bodies and gruel. All he can smell is the freshly mown lawn, the light nip of the air rustling through his hair and the soft sound of the breeze through the trees, and before Sam can stop him, he sprints down the stairs and out into the street, staring up at the sky, breathing in the fresh air and bracing himself for the explosions to start again.

 

Of course, Sam’s barely a second behind him, cautiously standing back, unsure of what to make of Gabriel’s actions. 

 

And then the noise started again, and Sam’s even less sure, watching Gabriel’s back light up with the sky, the kaleidoscope of color reflecting off of his hair, and when Gabe turns to face him, he’s expecting tears, or at the very least the tight, strained look of terror he’d gotten used to, but instead when he finally sees his face, Gabriel is laughing. The full bodied, heartfelt laugh that Sam had thought died the day he’d lost him. 

 

And then Gabriel’s running towards him, jumping into his arms and hugging him, and for the first time in years, he isn’t shaking, he isn’t crying, he’s still laughing, which only gets louder when Sam lifts him above his head and spins them around. “Can you go grab us a blanket? I wanna watch.”

 

Sam only hesitates for a moment before kissing him and hurrying inside to find the thickest blanket they have and a bottle of wine, meeting Gabriel in the backyard and sprawling out, purring when Gabriel flopped next to him and took his hand, and for once he isn’t tense, his hands aren’t shaking and his nails aren’t biting into Sam’s skin.

 

“I love you so much,” he can’t help it, he has to roll over and kiss him. He couldn’t remember a time he’d felt so positively giddy. 

 

All he could manage was a laugh when Gabriel batted him away, huffing indignantly. “I love you too, but I wanna watch!”

 

Sam couldn’t argue with that, just took his usual place, watching the light reflect off of Gabriel’s molten eyes and appreciating just how  _ good  _ this felt. He loved Gabriel, he always had, and always will, but the reminder of just what he had fallen in love with in the first place was more than welcome. 

 

Of course, like he always did, Gabriel turned to meet his gaze eventually, the bright smile splitting his cheeks the best thing Sam’d seen in years, and the fire behind his eyes a close second as Gabriel dragged him in by the collar and kissed him eagerly. 

 

“Let’s see what you’ve got Sammy, bet you’re pretty out of practice…”

 

“You’re one to talk, challenge accepted pipsqueak.”

**Author's Note:**

> I uh... meant to post this last year... but then I got blocked and just... never finished it. heh.


End file.
